Ahem

If you're looking for info on poorly spelled country music songs, you should join me at my new site, right here.

Motivational Posters

Since I like to stay on the cutting edge of Internet fashion, enjoy my personal entry into this particular wretched meme.

EDIT: Damn, just click the link here, because apparently I can't figure out how to format my own blog.

Keyword mania

I don't have thousands of readers. Surprise! I don't have hundreds, or even dozens of readers. Most days, I have "ones" of readers. That's OK though, considering I mainly started this blog as I can't go without outlet for complaining and the people at work were probably getting sick of hearing me piss and moan every time a new song comes on the radio.

But despite my low profile, people still occasionally stumble upon this place via search engines, as criticism of country music on the Internet apparently remains a surprisingly small niche.

With that, here's a few of the keywords people have used to (presumably) end up here.

josh turner asshole

A couple possibilities here. Firstly, I don't know Josh Turner. He might be a very nice man. I just know a couple of his songs really irritate me and the ones that don't generally put me to sleep. Still, that's not enough for me to indulge in calling him an asshole, I'm afraid.
If you were looking for anything else, I really can't help you.

taylor swift is ruining country

I can't stand any of her songs, but even I think that's going just a bit overboard. Let's curb our national love of buying on credit and our addiction to foreign oil, then we can see about deporting Taylor Swift.

carrie underwood before he cheats protagonist is psycho

Hell yeah! I'm not the only one who thinks so!

alan jackson one hand feel on the steering wheel song

No way, did somebody seriously mistake Taylor Swift for Alan Jackson?? Oh, that would pretty much be the best thing ever. I haven't been able to take Alan Jackson seriously for oh, about seven and a half years now.

taylor swift song, idiotic, scarlet letter?

I certainly think so. This person said it much better than I can though. Yup, apparently Taylor Swift is the village bicycle.

And now we're done.

Lookin' For A Good Time, Redux

I already hit on this one before, but something odd struck me the other day. Since the song is pretty much a straight-up prelude to random sex, it makes sense that it includes the following lines-

I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now

But I noticed something. Listening to the song on 98.9 FM Wild Country, that verse gets changed just a little bit.

But would you get the wrong impression
If I asked you to dance right now?

Apparently the idea of two strangers meeting in bar and running off to hump becomes just a bit too salacious for ahem, "Wild Country" if you make mention of how said strangers intend to get home. I mean, I could see it if the line in question was instead "Would you get the wrong impression/ if I did a few Jag Bombs and a line of blow, then drove us home". But come on! They're being responsible. About that part of things at least.

Responding to the critics...or critic

This blog has received it's first hatemail! Or, hatecomment...or whatever you would call it. The point is, I'm finally doing some good, getting some attention, really rattling some cages down in Nashville. Or at least, rural Oregon in this case.

From my entry on Kristy Lee Cook's execrable 15 Minutes of Shame, I received this note from 'Larry' (Possibly Sony Music Nashville Vice President Larry Jacobs? I think maybe so!)

this song did make to top 40 charts, qndf is a great song.. I liked others on the album better, but whoever wrote this blog has no cloue about talent or music. Go back to sweeping floors. I am so sick of nobody's who have nothing good to say about anyone. Get a life.

First off, I will admit a certain confusion as to why someone would defend this song, as opposed to one of the other couple dozen I've mentioned thus far, some of which are legitimately popular, and the products of actual musicians. I mean, I really was under the impression that this song was some sort of exercise in mutual obligation between Arista Nashville and popular culture? Anyway, let me break down this complaint a little.

this song did make to top 40 charts

And Ice, Ice Baby was one of the biggest hits of the 90's, but we still all pretend we never liked it.

qndf

"Sorry, fell on my keyboard there for a second."

I liked others on the album better

I don't doubt there were 'better' songs on the album. That wouldn't be a particularly high hurdle to clear.

but whoever wrote this blog has no cloue about talent or music.

Really? You can listen to 15 Minutes of Shame and think "Yeah! This really does comes close to being in the neighborhood of the best music Nashville can and does put out!" Really? You're cool with someone this useless having a major career in country music? We really don't deserve any better?

Go back to sweeping floors.

Sweeping floors is not only a vital part of the economy, keeping our nations walkways orderly and debris-free, but it affords me ample opportunity to listen to country music. So thank you, I will go back to sweeping floors now!

I am so sick of nobody's who have nothing good to say about anyone.

Oh, I do believe I said Waiting on a Woman was "fine, whatever". Also, welcome to the Internet.

Get a life.

Duh, I have a life, it's called listening to this shit while I sweep floors.

Now we're done!

She's Country

She's a hot little number in her pick-up truck
Daddy's sweet money done jacked it up

That's amazing. Sixteen words into the song, and I already virulently hate the protagonist. Still, I'm not entirely sold on her representing the worst aspects of this country, maybe if we mentioned something about her being a drunken slut with no moral compass?

A hell raisin sugar when the sun goes down
mama taught her how to rip up the town

Close enough. OK, now how about a verse where she denies voting rights to minorities?

No? Alright, maybe next album. Till then, why not just throw out some random made up phrases to connect a couple of verses without losing your beat?

crazy mother trucker
undercover lover

Cool.

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

She wants a little farm and a yard full of kids
And one more teeny weeny ride before I take her home

Hee, I've got a teeny weeny ride for her.




No, wait

River of Love

Hey, remember when George Strait was an interesting artist? Or am I just imagining that part of country music history?

Drift away from all these city lights,
might rock a little bit,
so hold on tight.
Let's get carried away with the gentle flow.
Might get caught up in its undertow

Again, perhaps I am confessing my ignorance of a certain subject, in this case boating, but isn't 'getting caught in the undertow' typically considered a bad thing? Like, isn't that term usually associated with news stories like "2 Drown at Beach Beer Blast" and "Getting Drunk and Swimming: The Silent Killer of Sexy Teens"?

Or maybe that was George's whole point? That he's trying to lure this unnamed lass into a moonlight boat ride for the express purpose of murdering her for the insurance money??

I've got the paddle,
I've got the boat.
Come on baby, I know she'll float.

A paddle to crack her skull open with before dumping her body unseen in a secluded lagoon?? George Strait, I'm shocked and kind of impressed. I actually sort of want to listen to your music now.

Everything is Fine

The most disappointing song on the radio today, bar none. Why?

I got a home down on the river
I’m married to the woman of my dreams
Got a good truck that gets me down the highway
Everything is perfect or so it seems

Every single time I hear the opening to this one, my ears instinctively perk up at the qualifier of "or so it seems". "Wow!", I think for a split second. Is this going to turn out to be a dark tale of drug abuse, sexual deviancy and general rural despair? Is Josh Turner secretly running a human trafficking ring out of his trailer? Does he owe his first born child to the local crime boss in order to pay off a meth-fueled gambling debt?

In short, no. Everything really is just fine in his life. They're going to have a fish fry. As it seems, everything is indeed perfect, and wildly uninteresting. I don't know why anybody needs to write a song about how unremarkable their life is, but thanks for getting my hopes up and immediately dashing them Josh Turner. You asshole.

We Weren't Crazy

We headed out to California
everybody tried to warn us
said we wouldn’t make it any further
than that worn out Chevy would

The whole song has something of an 'in your face', 'we were right after all' attitude, but I'm not so sure it's warranted. I mean, your friends tried to warn you of the dangers of driving long distances in a run down vehicle? Isn't that kind of what friends are for? Why throw it back in their face? "Ha, we didn't crash and die on a deserted stretch of highway in Utah when our spark plugs or something exploded. Screw you people who were concerned about us!"

Interestingly, Josh Gracin never actually says if they did in fact make it out to California after all. They did break down "a time or two", so maybe they just got as far as Kansas as said, screw it, auto maintenance is hard.

Suggested alternate lyrics, to reinforce the song's theme.

Headin' out to the West Coast
Everybody tried to give us advice
Said make sure there's air in your tires
But we sure showed 'em
Drove all the way on just the rims
We weren't crazy!

Nothin' to Die For

You'd give your last breath to your wife
Take a bullet for your kids
Lay your life down for your country for your Jesus for your friends

I'm not exactly up on my Christianity these days, but is Jesus currently demanding blood sacrifice? Obviously there are still parts of the world where being a Christian can get you killed, but I question just how much Tim McGraw penetration there is in Indonesia, so the relevancy of this line is unclear at best.

Lay your life down for your country, for me and all your friends

Oh ho ho, thought you could slip that one by us, didn't you Tim? You come up with a plausible scenario in which I will lay my life down for you, then we'll talk.

How Do You Like Me Now?

Toby Keith takes a lot of heat for some of his stuff, like Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (A song I like!) But long before any of that controversy, he was already proving he was pretty much a terrible, terrible person.

Yeah I was always a crazy one, broke into the stadium
And I wrote your number on the fifty yard line
And you were always a perfect one and valedictorian
So under your number I wrote call for a good time
I only wanted to get your attention
But you overlooked me somehow

Uh, yeah. I wonder how she 'overlooked' you after that? Possibly because, and I can only hope this is true, you were suspended from school for a month after that? I mean, I would just guess that Toby Keith is being playful and campy here, if not for the next part.

Then you married into money girl, ain't it a cruel and funny world
He took your dreams, and he tore them apart
He never comes home and you're always alone
And your kids hear you cry down the hall

Dude, WTF. Forget anything he's said or done since 9/11, how is this not the most jerk-ass thing anyone has ever said ever, in the history of everything? "Hey, your kids listen to your cry at night, but I'm on the radio! How do ya like that shit, bitch?" Uncool Toby Keith, uncool.

Not that I could ever stay mad at you.

Thanks to Jen for reminding me of this one.

Lie To Me

No, not a song, it's a new FOX show that I think debuts tonight. Look, I've seen ads for it during American Idol, a show that's produced Carrie Underwood, Kellie Pickler, Bucky Covington and lot's of other people I need to write more about. At least, I think it is, since I totally don't watch American Idol.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the ads, the show looks terrible, apparently combining the worst elements of CSI and House. In it, a quirky British actor and his team of sexy teens, who are probably talented but troubled, try to tell if people are lying or not based on which comical facial gestures they're making. Example: Tim Roth watches a senator being interviewed over some sex scandal or something, I don't know.

Interviewer: Have you ever been to a club called Centurion?
Senator: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. *looks absolutely guilty as hell, buries face in hand*
Tim Roth: He's lying!
Me: No way! How could you possibly tell???

Judging from other previews though, the show may be good for laughs.
Tim Roth: I have to stop this!
Some woman: *crying* You can't!
Tim Roth: *bangs fist on desk*
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA awesome

Also on the FOX TV shows front, just a hint for the makers of Bones, who I assume read this blog. If you have everyone in the show constantly referring to the sexual tension between the two main characters, it isn't sexual tension. It's just sex that's not happening.

The Good Stuff

Well me and my lady had our first big fight
So I drove around until I saw the neon lights
Of a corner bar.
It just seemed right, so I pulled up.
Not a soul around but the old barkeep
Down at the end lookin' half asleep.
And he walked up and said, "What'll it be?"
I said, "The good stuff."

He didn't reach around for the whiskey;
He didn't pour me a beer.
His blue eyes kinda went misty,
He said, "You can't find that here."

"Ummm, OK. Really I could just use a beer and...what the hell man? Are you crying? I just wanted to get drunk! What kind of a bar is this???"

He grabbed a carton of milk and poured a glass
And I smiled and said, "I'll have some of that."

"Fine, I'll drink milk with you if you stop crying!"

I saw a black and white picture and HE caught my stare.
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said, "That's my Bonnie,
Taken 'bout a year after we were wed."
He said, "Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.

Like any good country song, this one rigidly conforms to Country Music's NDBDC Fundamentals (Never Dont Be Dying of Cancer).

He said, "When you get home, she'll start to cry.
When she says 'I'm sorry' say 'So am I'
And look into those eyes so deep in love,
And drink it up.
'Cause that's the good stuff.
That's the good stuff."

"That and heroin."

Also, how the hell do you know she's going to say she's sorry? Kenny Chesney is the one who stormed out of the house to go get drunk. I guess we just have to hope she also learned an ironic, but touching lesson about love at the same time. Like her big Samoan boyfriend came over and told her that "The real big cock is the rooster that crows every morning when you wake up next to the one you truly love. Or something."

In Color

I said, Grandpa what’s this picture here
It’s all black and white and ain’t real clear

"What's this picture here? It's all black and white."

"This picture...it's all black and white."

"All black and white."

I know the bar isn't always set very high in this genre, and not to be needlessly crude, but how big of a fucking redneck do you have to be to actually say something like that? Come on! It's a black and white photograph! If you're that much of a hick, shouldn't you be more confused by a magic picture makin' machine that done what makes impressions in color?

On the plus side, this stune does have a pretty low body count for a country song. Although I think we're supposed to believe tailgunner Ol' Johnny McGee (Who was a high school teacher from New Orleans) didn't make it back from the Big War. Frankly, I'm stunned there weren't any black and white photos of loved ones dying of cancer.

We Rode In Trucks

Down where I born it was heaven on earth.
The Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt.
The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright.
We raised cotton, corn, a little cane, and kids.
You either lived on a farm or wish you did.
Jesus always walked close by our side.
Where I grew up, we rode in trucks.

And so on and so forth. The song, and accompanying video, testify to the awesomeness of growing up poor, rural and white, while driving around in enormous pickup trucks they have no practical reason for. "So Mr. 16 Year Old High School Junior, why exactly do you drive such a gargantuan vehicle? To drive the two miles to school and back? And drink beer out the back of on Friday nights? And to needlessly drive up the price of gas for the rest of us? Oh, OK, just wondering." Perhaps the chorus should instead say "Where I grew up/we helped fuck up the economy"

Also, why the heck does Luke Bryan sound so super serious, even mournful, as reminisces about his past of getting 3 miles to the gallon (city)? Because good news Mr. Bryan, you can still ride in trucks today! Even in the likely event you've lost your license to a DUI, you can still ride in trucks. Unless maybe now you live somewhere that requires you to take the bus everywhere, in which case, ha!

Still, I suppose his fondness for the now apparently unattainble act of riding in a truck is not surprising, given some of the other tracks from his album, including We Ate Cereal and Remember When (You Could Watch Television).

Update!

Important news, regarding the intepretation of the lyrics to Baby Girl!

I asked a woman at work who listens to even more country music than me about the meaning of that particular line. She immediately folded her hands into a steeple and said simply "Praying."

Praying! That never even occured to me!

Do You Believe Me Now?

Do you remember
the day I turned to you and said
I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you?
yeah
How he made you laugh
you just couldn't get what I was sayin'
it was my imagination

So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

Blah blah blah it goes on like this

Does she believe you now? Given that she is, by your own admission, now way across town getting boinked by this mysterious stranger, yeah I'm betting she does. What the hell is this guy's problem anyway? "Gee honey, I really don't like the way that guy is hitting on you." No wonder she broke up with you, you pussy.

Baby Girl

Black top, blue sky, big town full of little white lies.
Well, everybody’s your friend: you can never be sure.
They'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings, all sorts of shiny things,
But, girl, you’ll remember what your knees are for.

I've been hearing this song for a couple years now, and every time I just can't help but interpret that last line as a mother counseling her daughter that the way to get ahead in Nashville is to give lots of blow jobs. Which: Possibly true, but possibly also not great parenting.

I Saw God Today

I just walked down the street to the coffee shop
had to take a break
I'd been by her side for eighteen hours straight

No doubt those 18 hours of childbirthing have been rough on you.

I saw a couple walking by they were holding hands
Man, she had that glow
yeah I couldn't help but notice she was starting to show

Maybe she's just getting fat, you insensitive bastard.

Here

There's a place I've been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors

"Sometimes I drove to those buildings
And other times I walked there with my feet
And once I took a helicopter
Once there I examined those places
With my eyes and ears
And my tactile senses"

Also, why the hell is Rascal Flatts so incapable of just doing normal songs? Every damn time I listen to one of their songs, I feel like Gary LeVox is sitting there next to me, poking me in the ribs, saying "Hey! You like this song? Wouldn't it sound great at your wedding/funeral/graduation/bar mitzvah?" Yeah Rascal Flatts, we get it, you want to be there at every important moment of our lives. I wonder if they have a touching ballad about a nervous 16 year old clumsily losing his virginity to his drunken prom date in the back seat of his older brothers Camaro?

Start A Band

The song is fine, whatever. What I hate is the way it is invariably hyped by radio deejays. "Coming up next, a joint effort from Brad Paisley and Keith Urban!" And they kind of raise their voice at the end, as if to create an air of mystery about what this amazing team-up could possibly be. Because I don't think there is anyone the least bit cognizant of country music who can't guess what's coming next.

"What's that?? Brad Paisley? AND Keith Urban??? Together? My God, what kind of musical masterstroke could this modern day Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings produce together? Some kind of unparalleled work of.....oh wait, it's Start A Band."

I am a little amused however by Paisley singing that he did indeed 'Start A Band' in part because it would take too long to get a law degree. Right, because initial concerns over the amount of time required in graduating from law school is what kept Brad Freakin' Paisley from obtaining a law degree.

All I Want To Do

Give me a kiss
from that Elvis lip

No.

Our Song

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his car
He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart

TAYLOR SWIFT YOU HUSSY

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know

Alright, I had to check fiver different lyrics sites to confirm what I thought I heard, and I really have to ask- If you are trying to avoid detection on the phone, why THE FUCK would that cause you to talk real slow? Seeing as how talking real slow will only require you to spend more time on the phone than necessary, it will in fact exponentially increase the odds of detection by mama. Plus, whoever you're talking to will think you're an idiot.

Taylor Swift's man-bimbo: "Soooooooo, honeeeeeeeey, doooo yoooou waaaant tooo seeee a moooooooooooooooooooovie?"
Taylor Swift: "What the fuck, why are you talking like that? Moron."
Taylor Swift's man-bimbo: "Ohhhhhh nooooooo! Mamaaaaaaaa!"

Note: Italics aside, the above exchange does not actually occur within in the song, and is purely hypothetical.

The real kicker to all of it is that if you just removed the damned 's' from 'slow', the line makes perfect sense.

Lookin' For A Good Time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you’re just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn’t ‘ve worn that dress
You shouldn’t dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive

OK, calm down guy from Lady Antebellum who's name I could not possibly be bothered to look up. Just chill out, take a sip of your Zima and I'm sure that little heart of yours will be just fine.

Chicken Fried

If you've been near a radio playing country music in the last hour, you've probably heard this four times. One of those songs that might be tolerable if you only heard it once a month. But thanks to sheer, overwhelming repetition, I have come to not only hate it more than any other song, but the final part has actually caused me to hate America.

I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried

I've always been curious: What threat does Zac Brown perceive to this country that might cause him to sacrifice his chicken fried? Takeover by ultra radical Muslim extremists who will ban not just pork but poultry? If that's the price I have to pay to never hear this song again, so be it.

Oh well, maybe Zac Brown will get sent to prison for enjoying 'the touch of a precious child' a little too much, and the same thing will be accomplished.

Just Got Started Lovin' You

What's the point in fightin' what we're feelin'
We both know we'll never win
Ain't this what we're missin'
Let's just stop all this resistin' and give in

No sense in resisting James Otto, ladies. When he wants to love you, best just lay back and get it over with.

Love Story

What is, I believe, the biggest hit from America's currently most unavoidable country music wrecker.

We were both young
When I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I’m standing there
On a balcony in summer air

Amazing songwriting! I feel like I'm right there, on a balcony in summer air.

‘Cause you were Romeo,
I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don’t go

Does Taylor Swift know what a scarlet letter is? Because aside from making no sense in that context, she randomly mixes in a single reference to another piece of classical literature with her Romeo and Juleit theme. It's like doing a production of MacBeth wherein every character stops for 5 minutes to kill a giant whale. OK< crappy analogy, but I'm still a better writer than Taylor Swift.

Oh, ah, oh
Oh, ah, ah, oh

Easily the most well written part of the song.

Sadly? The most tolerable of the 16 Taylor Swift songs currently on the radio.

That's A Man

Saw a story on the local news last night
About one more struggling single mother
She was talking about how hard it is getting by
With no help, no money, no nothing from the baby's father
Made me think about this guy I know with a wife and a child
Who's working two jobs just to get by

"I heard about this woman who was having a tough time, and it made me think of this man who was having a tough time. What? This song isn't called 'That's A Woman'.

Good Directions

I was sittin' there sellin' turnips on a flatbed truck
Crunchin' on a pork rind when she pulled up
She had to be thinkin' "This is where the rednecks come from"

"This is where rednecks come from" implies that said rednecks go anywhere Miss Hollywood would otherwise see them. I imagine most of the narrators neighbors are born, live and die of congestive heart failure at the age of 43 all within the same zip code.

I knew my old Ford couldn't run her down
She probably didn't like me anyhow
So I watched her disappear in a cloud of dust.

I'm guessing the narrator has a lot of experience in 'running down' out of town women in his pickup, so I'll take his word on this.

She went way up yonder past the caution light
Don't know why, but somethin' felt right
When she stopped in and asked Miss Bell for some of her sweet tea
Mama gave her a big 'ol glass and sent her right back here to me

I knew Mama would giver her a big glass of sweet tea laced with barbiturates...and send her right back here to me!

Thank God for good directions...and turnip greens

And mah skinnin' knife.