Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Love Story

What is, I believe, the biggest hit from America's currently most unavoidable country music wrecker.

We were both young
When I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I’m standing there
On a balcony in summer air

Amazing songwriting! I feel like I'm right there, on a balcony in summer air.

‘Cause you were Romeo,
I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don’t go

Does Taylor Swift know what a scarlet letter is? Because aside from making no sense in that context, she randomly mixes in a single reference to another piece of classical literature with her Romeo and Juleit theme. It's like doing a production of MacBeth wherein every character stops for 5 minutes to kill a giant whale. OK< crappy analogy, but I'm still a better writer than Taylor Swift.

Oh, ah, oh
Oh, ah, ah, oh

Easily the most well written part of the song.

Sadly? The most tolerable of the 16 Taylor Swift songs currently on the radio.

That's A Man

Saw a story on the local news last night
About one more struggling single mother
She was talking about how hard it is getting by
With no help, no money, no nothing from the baby's father
Made me think about this guy I know with a wife and a child
Who's working two jobs just to get by

"I heard about this woman who was having a tough time, and it made me think of this man who was having a tough time. What? This song isn't called 'That's A Woman'.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Good Directions

I was sittin' there sellin' turnips on a flatbed truck
Crunchin' on a pork rind when she pulled up
She had to be thinkin' "This is where the rednecks come from"

"This is where rednecks come from" implies that said rednecks go anywhere Miss Hollywood would otherwise see them. I imagine most of the narrators neighbors are born, live and die of congestive heart failure at the age of 43 all within the same zip code.

I knew my old Ford couldn't run her down
She probably didn't like me anyhow
So I watched her disappear in a cloud of dust.

I'm guessing the narrator has a lot of experience in 'running down' out of town women in his pickup, so I'll take his word on this.

She went way up yonder past the caution light
Don't know why, but somethin' felt right
When she stopped in and asked Miss Bell for some of her sweet tea
Mama gave her a big 'ol glass and sent her right back here to me

I knew Mama would giver her a big glass of sweet tea laced with barbiturates...and send her right back here to me!

Thank God for good directions...and turnip greens

And mah skinnin' knife.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Waiting On a Woman

OK, but if I were singing this song, the opening would probably go thusly-

Sittin' on a bench at West Town Mall
He sat down in his overalls and asked me
''You waitin' on a woman?''
I nodded yeah
And then I moved to another bench where random old guys weren't talking to me

I'll unleash it as soon as the Misanthropic Country sub-genre takes off.

Before He Cheats

While justifying utterly ruining all her boyfriends expensive stuff, Carrie Underwood mentions this-

Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink/
cause she can't shoot whiskey...

Oh God yes, the horrid bitch can't drink as much as you. That's the worst thing going on this song. Man, I can't imagine why this guy is cheating on you, you alcoholic psycho.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Small Town Southern Man

There have been like, a million country songs about the honest, hardworking, noble farmer's son, getting married, having kids, working hard, being noble, not getting involved with any of that fancy stuff they do on the coasts like having an opinion on politics or getting gay married, then dying. But never before has anyone made an unexciting life sound so banal as Alan Jackson.

Also, why is everyone in country songs today still the son of a farmer? By my reckoning there's like, 5 non-corporate farms left in the US. Come on guys, you can't all grow up on them.

International Harvester

I’m the son of a 3rd generation farmer
I’ve been married 10 years to the farmer’s daughter

See, it's the "the farmers daughter", right after referencing "a 3rd generation farmer" that makes this song sound just a tad incestuous right off the bat.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Cowgirls Don't Cry

Life is terrible, then your dad dies. Chin up, though!

Muddy Water

Trace Adkins is already well on his way to ruining country music with such pandering fare as "Songs About Me" and the abhorrent "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" (which was reportedly written in a single hour, and certainly sounds like it).

There's nothing overtly insulting about "Muddy Water", but I have to wonder, what is it exactly that causes Trace Adkins to believe his soul is in such deplorable condition. I mean other than the obvious. KFC commerical voiceovers? The fact that he uh, wrote a book?

I guess I should be bothered that the title of the song could be seen as an attempt by Adkins to link himself to an actual good musician.

15 Minutes of Shame

Number of verses dedicated to promising embarrassment for ex by way of singing indictments of bad behavior- 28

Number of verses offering actual indictment of bad behavior- 0

Number of verses asserting vauge implication of ex being "pretty good at workin' a line"- 1

Number of people who would realistically be embarrssed by this song- 1 (Kristy Lee Cook)

Number of reasons this song ever got near a Top 40 chart- 1 (Kristy Lee Cook being an American Idol middle of the pack finisher, something country music can't get enough of lately.)