Tuesday, January 27, 2009

We Weren't Crazy

We headed out to California
everybody tried to warn us
said we wouldn’t make it any further
than that worn out Chevy would

The whole song has something of an 'in your face', 'we were right after all' attitude, but I'm not so sure it's warranted. I mean, your friends tried to warn you of the dangers of driving long distances in a run down vehicle? Isn't that kind of what friends are for? Why throw it back in their face? "Ha, we didn't crash and die on a deserted stretch of highway in Utah when our spark plugs or something exploded. Screw you people who were concerned about us!"

Interestingly, Josh Gracin never actually says if they did in fact make it out to California after all. They did break down "a time or two", so maybe they just got as far as Kansas as said, screw it, auto maintenance is hard.

Suggested alternate lyrics, to reinforce the song's theme.

Headin' out to the West Coast
Everybody tried to give us advice
Said make sure there's air in your tires
But we sure showed 'em
Drove all the way on just the rims
We weren't crazy!

Nothin' to Die For

You'd give your last breath to your wife
Take a bullet for your kids
Lay your life down for your country for your Jesus for your friends

I'm not exactly up on my Christianity these days, but is Jesus currently demanding blood sacrifice? Obviously there are still parts of the world where being a Christian can get you killed, but I question just how much Tim McGraw penetration there is in Indonesia, so the relevancy of this line is unclear at best.

Lay your life down for your country, for me and all your friends

Oh ho ho, thought you could slip that one by us, didn't you Tim? You come up with a plausible scenario in which I will lay my life down for you, then we'll talk.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

How Do You Like Me Now?

Toby Keith takes a lot of heat for some of his stuff, like Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (A song I like!) But long before any of that controversy, he was already proving he was pretty much a terrible, terrible person.

Yeah I was always a crazy one, broke into the stadium
And I wrote your number on the fifty yard line
And you were always a perfect one and valedictorian
So under your number I wrote call for a good time
I only wanted to get your attention
But you overlooked me somehow

Uh, yeah. I wonder how she 'overlooked' you after that? Possibly because, and I can only hope this is true, you were suspended from school for a month after that? I mean, I would just guess that Toby Keith is being playful and campy here, if not for the next part.

Then you married into money girl, ain't it a cruel and funny world
He took your dreams, and he tore them apart
He never comes home and you're always alone
And your kids hear you cry down the hall

Dude, WTF. Forget anything he's said or done since 9/11, how is this not the most jerk-ass thing anyone has ever said ever, in the history of everything? "Hey, your kids listen to your cry at night, but I'm on the radio! How do ya like that shit, bitch?" Uncool Toby Keith, uncool.

Not that I could ever stay mad at you.

Thanks to Jen for reminding me of this one.

Lie To Me

No, not a song, it's a new FOX show that I think debuts tonight. Look, I've seen ads for it during American Idol, a show that's produced Carrie Underwood, Kellie Pickler, Bucky Covington and lot's of other people I need to write more about. At least, I think it is, since I totally don't watch American Idol.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the ads, the show looks terrible, apparently combining the worst elements of CSI and House. In it, a quirky British actor and his team of sexy teens, who are probably talented but troubled, try to tell if people are lying or not based on which comical facial gestures they're making. Example: Tim Roth watches a senator being interviewed over some sex scandal or something, I don't know.

Interviewer: Have you ever been to a club called Centurion?
Senator: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. *looks absolutely guilty as hell, buries face in hand*
Tim Roth: He's lying!
Me: No way! How could you possibly tell???

Judging from other previews though, the show may be good for laughs.
Tim Roth: I have to stop this!
Some woman: *crying* You can't!
Tim Roth: *bangs fist on desk*

Also on the FOX TV shows front, just a hint for the makers of Bones, who I assume read this blog. If you have everyone in the show constantly referring to the sexual tension between the two main characters, it isn't sexual tension. It's just sex that's not happening.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Good Stuff

Well me and my lady had our first big fight
So I drove around until I saw the neon lights
Of a corner bar.
It just seemed right, so I pulled up.
Not a soul around but the old barkeep
Down at the end lookin' half asleep.
And he walked up and said, "What'll it be?"
I said, "The good stuff."

He didn't reach around for the whiskey;
He didn't pour me a beer.
His blue eyes kinda went misty,
He said, "You can't find that here."

"Ummm, OK. Really I could just use a beer and...what the hell man? Are you crying? I just wanted to get drunk! What kind of a bar is this???"

He grabbed a carton of milk and poured a glass
And I smiled and said, "I'll have some of that."

"Fine, I'll drink milk with you if you stop crying!"

I saw a black and white picture and HE caught my stare.
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said, "That's my Bonnie,
Taken 'bout a year after we were wed."
He said, "Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.

Like any good country song, this one rigidly conforms to Country Music's NDBDC Fundamentals (Never Dont Be Dying of Cancer).

He said, "When you get home, she'll start to cry.
When she says 'I'm sorry' say 'So am I'
And look into those eyes so deep in love,
And drink it up.
'Cause that's the good stuff.
That's the good stuff."

"That and heroin."

Also, how the hell do you know she's going to say she's sorry? Kenny Chesney is the one who stormed out of the house to go get drunk. I guess we just have to hope she also learned an ironic, but touching lesson about love at the same time. Like her big Samoan boyfriend came over and told her that "The real big cock is the rooster that crows every morning when you wake up next to the one you truly love. Or something."

In Color

I said, Grandpa what’s this picture here
It’s all black and white and ain’t real clear

"What's this picture here? It's all black and white."

"This picture...it's all black and white."

"All black and white."

I know the bar isn't always set very high in this genre, and not to be needlessly crude, but how big of a fucking redneck do you have to be to actually say something like that? Come on! It's a black and white photograph! If you're that much of a hick, shouldn't you be more confused by a magic picture makin' machine that done what makes impressions in color?

On the plus side, this stune does have a pretty low body count for a country song. Although I think we're supposed to believe tailgunner Ol' Johnny McGee (Who was a high school teacher from New Orleans) didn't make it back from the Big War. Frankly, I'm stunned there weren't any black and white photos of loved ones dying of cancer.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

We Rode In Trucks

Down where I born it was heaven on earth.
The Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt.
The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright.
We raised cotton, corn, a little cane, and kids.
You either lived on a farm or wish you did.
Jesus always walked close by our side.
Where I grew up, we rode in trucks.

And so on and so forth. The song, and accompanying video, testify to the awesomeness of growing up poor, rural and white, while driving around in enormous pickup trucks they have no practical reason for. "So Mr. 16 Year Old High School Junior, why exactly do you drive such a gargantuan vehicle? To drive the two miles to school and back? And drink beer out the back of on Friday nights? And to needlessly drive up the price of gas for the rest of us? Oh, OK, just wondering." Perhaps the chorus should instead say "Where I grew up/we helped fuck up the economy"

Also, why the heck does Luke Bryan sound so super serious, even mournful, as reminisces about his past of getting 3 miles to the gallon (city)? Because good news Mr. Bryan, you can still ride in trucks today! Even in the likely event you've lost your license to a DUI, you can still ride in trucks. Unless maybe now you live somewhere that requires you to take the bus everywhere, in which case, ha!

Still, I suppose his fondness for the now apparently unattainble act of riding in a truck is not surprising, given some of the other tracks from his album, including We Ate Cereal and Remember When (You Could Watch Television).


Important news, regarding the intepretation of the lyrics to Baby Girl!

I asked a woman at work who listens to even more country music than me about the meaning of that particular line. She immediately folded her hands into a steeple and said simply "Praying."

Praying! That never even occured to me!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Do You Believe Me Now?

Do you remember
the day I turned to you and said
I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you?
How he made you laugh
you just couldn't get what I was sayin'
it was my imagination

So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

Blah blah blah it goes on like this

Does she believe you now? Given that she is, by your own admission, now way across town getting boinked by this mysterious stranger, yeah I'm betting she does. What the hell is this guy's problem anyway? "Gee honey, I really don't like the way that guy is hitting on you." No wonder she broke up with you, you pussy.

Baby Girl

Black top, blue sky, big town full of little white lies.
Well, everybody’s your friend: you can never be sure.
They'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings, all sorts of shiny things,
But, girl, you’ll remember what your knees are for.

I've been hearing this song for a couple years now, and every time I just can't help but interpret that last line as a mother counseling her daughter that the way to get ahead in Nashville is to give lots of blow jobs. Which: Possibly true, but possibly also not great parenting.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Saw God Today

I just walked down the street to the coffee shop
had to take a break
I'd been by her side for eighteen hours straight

No doubt those 18 hours of childbirthing have been rough on you.

I saw a couple walking by they were holding hands
Man, she had that glow
yeah I couldn't help but notice she was starting to show

Maybe she's just getting fat, you insensitive bastard.


There's a place I've been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors

"Sometimes I drove to those buildings
And other times I walked there with my feet
And once I took a helicopter
Once there I examined those places
With my eyes and ears
And my tactile senses"

Also, why the hell is Rascal Flatts so incapable of just doing normal songs? Every damn time I listen to one of their songs, I feel like Gary LeVox is sitting there next to me, poking me in the ribs, saying "Hey! You like this song? Wouldn't it sound great at your wedding/funeral/graduation/bar mitzvah?" Yeah Rascal Flatts, we get it, you want to be there at every important moment of our lives. I wonder if they have a touching ballad about a nervous 16 year old clumsily losing his virginity to his drunken prom date in the back seat of his older brothers Camaro?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Start A Band

The song is fine, whatever. What I hate is the way it is invariably hyped by radio deejays. "Coming up next, a joint effort from Brad Paisley and Keith Urban!" And they kind of raise their voice at the end, as if to create an air of mystery about what this amazing team-up could possibly be. Because I don't think there is anyone the least bit cognizant of country music who can't guess what's coming next.

"What's that?? Brad Paisley? AND Keith Urban??? Together? My God, what kind of musical masterstroke could this modern day Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings produce together? Some kind of unparalleled work of.....oh wait, it's Start A Band."

I am a little amused however by Paisley singing that he did indeed 'Start A Band' in part because it would take too long to get a law degree. Right, because initial concerns over the amount of time required in graduating from law school is what kept Brad Freakin' Paisley from obtaining a law degree.

All I Want To Do

Give me a kiss
from that Elvis lip


Friday, January 9, 2009

Our Song

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his car
He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart


Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know

Alright, I had to check fiver different lyrics sites to confirm what I thought I heard, and I really have to ask- If you are trying to avoid detection on the phone, why THE FUCK would that cause you to talk real slow? Seeing as how talking real slow will only require you to spend more time on the phone than necessary, it will in fact exponentially increase the odds of detection by mama. Plus, whoever you're talking to will think you're an idiot.

Taylor Swift's man-bimbo: "Soooooooo, honeeeeeeeey, doooo yoooou waaaant tooo seeee a moooooooooooooooooooovie?"
Taylor Swift: "What the fuck, why are you talking like that? Moron."
Taylor Swift's man-bimbo: "Ohhhhhh nooooooo! Mamaaaaaaaa!"

Note: Italics aside, the above exchange does not actually occur within in the song, and is purely hypothetical.

The real kicker to all of it is that if you just removed the damned 's' from 'slow', the line makes perfect sense.

Lookin' For A Good Time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you’re just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn’t ‘ve worn that dress
You shouldn’t dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive

OK, calm down guy from Lady Antebellum who's name I could not possibly be bothered to look up. Just chill out, take a sip of your Zima and I'm sure that little heart of yours will be just fine.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Chicken Fried

If you've been near a radio playing country music in the last hour, you've probably heard this four times. One of those songs that might be tolerable if you only heard it once a month. But thanks to sheer, overwhelming repetition, I have come to not only hate it more than any other song, but the final part has actually caused me to hate America.

I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried

I've always been curious: What threat does Zac Brown perceive to this country that might cause him to sacrifice his chicken fried? Takeover by ultra radical Muslim extremists who will ban not just pork but poultry? If that's the price I have to pay to never hear this song again, so be it.

Oh well, maybe Zac Brown will get sent to prison for enjoying 'the touch of a precious child' a little too much, and the same thing will be accomplished.

Just Got Started Lovin' You

What's the point in fightin' what we're feelin'
We both know we'll never win
Ain't this what we're missin'
Let's just stop all this resistin' and give in

No sense in resisting James Otto, ladies. When he wants to love you, best just lay back and get it over with.