Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Motivational Posters

Since I like to stay on the cutting edge of Internet fashion, enjoy my personal entry into this particular wretched meme.

EDIT: Damn, just click the link here, because apparently I can't figure out how to format my own blog.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Keyword mania

I don't have thousands of readers. Surprise! I don't have hundreds, or even dozens of readers. Most days, I have "ones" of readers. That's OK though, considering I mainly started this blog as I can't go without outlet for complaining and the people at work were probably getting sick of hearing me piss and moan every time a new song comes on the radio.

But despite my low profile, people still occasionally stumble upon this place via search engines, as criticism of country music on the Internet apparently remains a surprisingly small niche.

With that, here's a few of the keywords people have used to (presumably) end up here.

josh turner asshole

A couple possibilities here. Firstly, I don't know Josh Turner. He might be a very nice man. I just know a couple of his songs really irritate me and the ones that don't generally put me to sleep. Still, that's not enough for me to indulge in calling him an asshole, I'm afraid.
If you were looking for anything else, I really can't help you.

taylor swift is ruining country

I can't stand any of her songs, but even I think that's going just a bit overboard. Let's curb our national love of buying on credit and our addiction to foreign oil, then we can see about deporting Taylor Swift.

carrie underwood before he cheats protagonist is psycho

Hell yeah! I'm not the only one who thinks so!

alan jackson one hand feel on the steering wheel song

No way, did somebody seriously mistake Taylor Swift for Alan Jackson?? Oh, that would pretty much be the best thing ever. I haven't been able to take Alan Jackson seriously for oh, about seven and a half years now.

taylor swift song, idiotic, scarlet letter?

I certainly think so. This person said it much better than I can though. Yup, apparently Taylor Swift is the village bicycle.

And now we're done.

Lookin' For A Good Time, Redux

I already hit on this one before, but something odd struck me the other day. Since the song is pretty much a straight-up prelude to random sex, it makes sense that it includes the following lines-

I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now

But I noticed something. Listening to the song on 98.9 FM Wild Country, that verse gets changed just a little bit.

But would you get the wrong impression
If I asked you to dance right now?

Apparently the idea of two strangers meeting in bar and running off to hump becomes just a bit too salacious for ahem, "Wild Country" if you make mention of how said strangers intend to get home. I mean, I could see it if the line in question was instead "Would you get the wrong impression/ if I did a few Jag Bombs and a line of blow, then drove us home". But come on! They're being responsible. About that part of things at least.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Responding to the critics...or critic

This blog has received it's first hatemail! Or, hatecomment...or whatever you would call it. The point is, I'm finally doing some good, getting some attention, really rattling some cages down in Nashville. Or at least, rural Oregon in this case.

From my entry on Kristy Lee Cook's execrable 15 Minutes of Shame, I received this note from 'Larry' (Possibly Sony Music Nashville Vice President Larry Jacobs? I think maybe so!)

this song did make to top 40 charts, qndf is a great song.. I liked others on the album better, but whoever wrote this blog has no cloue about talent or music. Go back to sweeping floors. I am so sick of nobody's who have nothing good to say about anyone. Get a life.

First off, I will admit a certain confusion as to why someone would defend this song, as opposed to one of the other couple dozen I've mentioned thus far, some of which are legitimately popular, and the products of actual musicians. I mean, I really was under the impression that this song was some sort of exercise in mutual obligation between Arista Nashville and popular culture? Anyway, let me break down this complaint a little.

this song did make to top 40 charts

And Ice, Ice Baby was one of the biggest hits of the 90's, but we still all pretend we never liked it.


"Sorry, fell on my keyboard there for a second."

I liked others on the album better

I don't doubt there were 'better' songs on the album. That wouldn't be a particularly high hurdle to clear.

but whoever wrote this blog has no cloue about talent or music.

Really? You can listen to 15 Minutes of Shame and think "Yeah! This really does comes close to being in the neighborhood of the best music Nashville can and does put out!" Really? You're cool with someone this useless having a major career in country music? We really don't deserve any better?

Go back to sweeping floors.

Sweeping floors is not only a vital part of the economy, keeping our nations walkways orderly and debris-free, but it affords me ample opportunity to listen to country music. So thank you, I will go back to sweeping floors now!

I am so sick of nobody's who have nothing good to say about anyone.

Oh, I do believe I said Waiting on a Woman was "fine, whatever". Also, welcome to the Internet.

Get a life.

Duh, I have a life, it's called listening to this shit while I sweep floors.

Now we're done!

She's Country

She's a hot little number in her pick-up truck
Daddy's sweet money done jacked it up

That's amazing. Sixteen words into the song, and I already virulently hate the protagonist. Still, I'm not entirely sold on her representing the worst aspects of this country, maybe if we mentioned something about her being a drunken slut with no moral compass?

A hell raisin sugar when the sun goes down
mama taught her how to rip up the town

Close enough. OK, now how about a verse where she denies voting rights to minorities?

No? Alright, maybe next album. Till then, why not just throw out some random made up phrases to connect a couple of verses without losing your beat?

crazy mother trucker
undercover lover


She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

She wants a little farm and a yard full of kids
And one more teeny weeny ride before I take her home

Hee, I've got a teeny weeny ride for her.

No, wait

Sunday, February 1, 2009

River of Love

Hey, remember when George Strait was an interesting artist? Or am I just imagining that part of country music history?

Drift away from all these city lights,
might rock a little bit,
so hold on tight.
Let's get carried away with the gentle flow.
Might get caught up in its undertow

Again, perhaps I am confessing my ignorance of a certain subject, in this case boating, but isn't 'getting caught in the undertow' typically considered a bad thing? Like, isn't that term usually associated with news stories like "2 Drown at Beach Beer Blast" and "Getting Drunk and Swimming: The Silent Killer of Sexy Teens"?

Or maybe that was George's whole point? That he's trying to lure this unnamed lass into a moonlight boat ride for the express purpose of murdering her for the insurance money??

I've got the paddle,
I've got the boat.
Come on baby, I know she'll float.

A paddle to crack her skull open with before dumping her body unseen in a secluded lagoon?? George Strait, I'm shocked and kind of impressed. I actually sort of want to listen to your music now.

Everything is Fine

The most disappointing song on the radio today, bar none. Why?

I got a home down on the river
I’m married to the woman of my dreams
Got a good truck that gets me down the highway
Everything is perfect or so it seems

Every single time I hear the opening to this one, my ears instinctively perk up at the qualifier of "or so it seems". "Wow!", I think for a split second. Is this going to turn out to be a dark tale of drug abuse, sexual deviancy and general rural despair? Is Josh Turner secretly running a human trafficking ring out of his trailer? Does he owe his first born child to the local crime boss in order to pay off a meth-fueled gambling debt?

In short, no. Everything really is just fine in his life. They're going to have a fish fry. As it seems, everything is indeed perfect, and wildly uninteresting. I don't know why anybody needs to write a song about how unremarkable their life is, but thanks for getting my hopes up and immediately dashing them Josh Turner. You asshole.